Solange and Ian – RIP March 10, 2011

My relationship with Ian died yesterday.

The best thing to do is to mourn as if he were dead.

But I need to let out a few more gasps:

he is in jail now, he is probably cold, he can’t listen to healing chants, i put him there, i have hit him, i have threatened him in the past, and yet he is in jail for menacing me, so it feels so unfair, but i felt it necessary for my survival, he lost his freedom so i could have mine,  his daughter was waiting for him yesterday, he was supposed to take care of his step-father with alzheimer’s today for his mother, but i can’t pick up the phone to explain to them, i can’t stay alone, i want to sell my apartment but the thought of moving all that stuff is agonizing, my cats are cold staying in my dad’s basement, all the work and love i put in the relationship is gone and i miss him so much already, but i have to keep the order of protection, so i can’t even explain…

“hardship as a pathway to peace” is a line from the complete  Serenity Prayer..I have thought so much about that. I thought sometimes that the hardships Ian and I were going through could have become a pathway for peace for us together, but in my innermost core I knew it meant this kind of hardship.  I prayed so hard the night before our last fight to God to give me clarity and help me out of the situation.  God responded to my prayer, in that Ian became psychotic, possibly drugged and in a manic tear for 2 hours threatened me and got physically violent.  I did not respond except to plead– no anger, no fighting back.  I didn’t even feel safe enough to run away or try to call 911, I waited until he exhausted himself, read the Bible to him until he fell asleep, let him take me to the therapist who planned my escape with me, had him drop me off at work, then right to security.  My Dad came we went to the police station, I didn’t think of having him arrested I just wanted to get my things and my cats, but when I described the incident, they told me they would have to arrest him.     I had to press charges in order to get the order, but I am in a sense taking everything he has because I have provided everything, car, apartment, phone…he will survive as he always has, first at his mother’s..then finding another unsuspecting woman who will fall in love with his great beauty and sweetness in sobriety.

I have to thank myself for having the courage to change what I could.

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