step 3

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God

My addiction is not drugs or alcohol, — I become addicted to others and hooked into their behavior.  Although I had tried 12 steps a few times, both through co-dependents anonymous and al-anon, it was only this year that I committed myself to the steps, and therefore, began to see how they could work in my life and how welcome they really were to my thinking and my spirituality. The beauty of the structure of the program revealed itself to me, the listening that it encourages, the openness to all experiences and traditions of God.

Step 3 really is just a relief to me.

The pressure I put on myself during the holidays is different than the pressure I put myself under the rest of the year.  I am ‘better’ at working than playing in a sense. I feel I never do enough for the ones I love, and they too, can disappoint and upset me with their own stuff. I find myself physically and mentally defeated during the holidays, as I let go a bit of the work I am trying to do on myself and I begin to dread the holidays rather than welcome them and accept them.

This morning I woke with an image of surrender my heart onto a table set before God.  It was a card table, not a grand celestial table., I thought about a simple meditation exercise I had given my class in the last weeks before finals.  (Given to the class but had not practiced myself).

The exercise:

Choose a word to breath in

Choose a word to breath out

(maybe the word in was what one wants to come in, the word out is something one wants to rid oneself)

I began to breathe in “God” and breathe out “Surrender” and continued to see my bloody heart leave my body with each exhale.

It wasn’t a golden light, there were no angel wings, it wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t ugly or horrible either, it was easy, and  it was oh so peaceful and joyful

Just as last night when I walked home in the snow and for the first time during the holiday season, the Night was Silent.  I thought and sang of the weary world rejoicing, and felt my weary soul rejoicing.

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6 responses to “step 3

  1. I’ve heard recently, wish I could cite the source, that codependency often brings as early death as active alcoholism. So its treatment would be just as imperative.

    In my observation, we alcoholics display many aspects of codependency as well. In fact, most of us are just a quagmire of messed up traits, habits, and attitudes. Particularly in relationships.

    I think you will find the steps amazingly powerful. I know I did. More than I ever anticipated. I thought they were quaint old sentiments. But instead, found them a tremendous method of recovery and strenthening in my life. At the very least, they are a way to order our thoughts and behaviours invariably superior to active alcoholism, addiction, codependency, or most other self-destructive patterns.

    And hey…. I like the idea of breathing in the good and out the bad. Quite a creative way to practice turning things over.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

  2. Thanks Chaz, Happy New Year and best wishes on continued recovery, you blog is really wonderful.

  3. BEAUTIFUL post… almost made me cry over here :-)I really want to try meditation and I love your simple but lovely approach!

    I’m so proud of you and Ian in your first 5k! Which one did you do and how was the weather by the way?

  4. Thanks, Brittny! it was in Saratoga Springs NY, First Night. It was WARM around 40 degrees I would say..I had to tie alot of clothing around my waist..

  5. This is so beautiful. Thank you for this. So much healing is taking place on this world, as well as so much pain.. I guess that’s what you call duality, time and place.

  6. Thanks very much for stopping by Will and taking time to comment. Yes, despite pain there is healing in the world.

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