Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
My addiction is not drugs or alcohol, — I become addicted to others and hooked into their behavior. Although I had tried 12 steps a few times, both through co-dependents anonymous and al-anon, it was only this year that I committed myself to the steps, and therefore, began to see how they could work in my life and how welcome they really were to my thinking and my spirituality. The beauty of the structure of the program revealed itself to me, the listening that it encourages, the openness to all experiences and traditions of God.
Step 3 really is just a relief to me.
The pressure I put on myself during the holidays is different than the pressure I put myself under the rest of the year. I am ‘better’ at working than playing in a sense. I feel I never do enough for the ones I love, and they too, can disappoint and upset me with their own stuff. I find myself physically and mentally defeated during the holidays, as I let go a bit of the work I am trying to do on myself and I begin to dread the holidays rather than welcome them and accept them.
This morning I woke with an image of surrender my heart onto a table set before God. It was a card table, not a grand celestial table., I thought about a simple meditation exercise I had given my class in the last weeks before finals. (Given to the class but had not practiced myself).
Choose a word to breath in
Choose a word to breath out
(maybe the word in was what one wants to come in, the word out is something one wants to rid oneself)
I began to breathe in “God” and breathe out “Surrender” and continued to see my bloody heart leave my body with each exhale.
It wasn’t a golden light, there were no angel wings, it wasn’t pretty, but it wasn’t ugly or horrible either, it was easy, and it was oh so peaceful and joyful
Just as last night when I walked home in the snow and for the first time during the holiday season, the Night was Silent. I thought and sang of the weary world rejoicing, and felt my weary soul rejoicing.